I'm Out!

A lot has happened in the 2.5 weeks since I last posted.

I moved out on November 13. It was an agonizing decision, even though there was no decision to be made. He went out of town on Friday night and I knew I wouldn't get a better chance. I aked all my friends if they could come and help me the next day. He was due to come back on Sunday morning. So Saturday morning, I woke up early and started packing & phoning my friends to confirm that they were coming to help me.

The move itself (and the packing - I hadn't packed much at all) was an exhausting all-day event. Luckily, I had 3 fantastic friends help me. And my Dad. The hardest part was probably the 2 hours of packing I did before anyone else got there. I had a couple of good cries and one big breakdown. All I could think was "I can't do this. I can't do this, I don't WANT to move. I don't want to do this." and I slumped on the wall and cried my eyes out. That was the lowest of the low. Then my friends started arriving and distracting me (with laughs) from the daunting task at hand. They were a huge help and I owe them a lot. I literally couldn't have done it without them.

I had begun talking to another guy at this point. Hanging out, going for drinks, etc. He was an immense help, too. A perfect distraction. He gave me attention, phoned me, gave me something to think about and something to look forward to. So the night I moved out of ex's, I went out with the new guy. And it was fabulous. I had a great time. Like I said, a perfect distraction.

The first time I was alone after moving out was at about 3am that next morning. It was a jolt. I had really done it. I was free.

The feelings I had the next day were strange. I missed him. I missed him a lot. I felt so, so guilty. Sick to my stomach. It was a bad, uneasy feeling. But seeing as how I'd spent 4 years with him, being around him every day, it was a natural reaction to have. I tried to keep busy.

I had messaged my ex to let him know that I had moved out. The last thing I wanted was for him to come home to a 1/2 empty house and find out that way. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. He didn't get my message and came home to find the house ransacked. I feel very, very bad about that. If I could change anything about all this, it would be that. He seems to be taking it ok. Better than I thought he would. We've only talked via email so far.. but he seems ok and has been very nice to me. He said he wants closure & I have to go over there to drop off my keys and pick up some things I forgot behind. I am dreading that for sure.

The first couple of weeks, I felt such relief. I knew I would. And it was like 200 pounds were lifted off my broken shoulders. And I still feel like that, I'm just also anxious to get all of the loose ends tied up. Then I think I will feel REAL relief. 100%. I am hopefully moving into my own apartment in the next week. I've never lived alone. I'm really looking forward to it. But I need to buy a bunch of furniture, too. So I'll have to borrow money from my parents, unfortunately.

So that's where I am right now. Single. Living with my parents. In the middle of some big, big changes. Relieved. And surprised that I did it. Finally.

the lower I get, the higher I'll climb

One track mind, like a goldfish,
Stuck inside my petri dish.
I can't breathe, and I can't smile,
This better be worth my while.

I feel numb most of the time,
The lower I get the higher I'll climb,
and I will wonder why,
I got dark only
To shine.
Looking for the golden light,
Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice

~ Marina and the Diamonds, "Numb"

No, I'm not paralyzed...

Contrary to my posts here, I am not gloomy. I am actually a good person to be around. I feel so mopey here! But, please understand, this is the only place I have to vent and share.

Today I had a realiztion - I think that living with an alcoholic (in whatever capacity) is actually paralyzing. I'm sure that once I'm Out I'll look back and say, "Why did I stay so long???? What was wrong with me?? Why didn't I leave earlier?" But I can say with certainty that I have felt paralyzed by his disease. Like I couldn't move, breathe, change. And unfortunately it took me 4 years to "come to" and take a deep breath of reality. I can move. I can breathe. I can change.

These days it's basically me keeping the waters calm around the house. I don't want to rock the boat too much.. I need it nice & still so I can jump out okay when the time is right. He's gone back to pretending everything is fine. Life as normal. Cooking me supper, hugging me, ignoring me. I'm trying to get things in order so that when the time comes, I can move out as quickly as possible.

I feel so guilty. Because since last week's blowup & me saying I'm moving out, I've stayed there... and I think a part of him (somehow) believes that I'm going to stay. I feel like I'm betraying him by leaving. As I pack behind his back and copy computer files in secret, the guilt eats me alive. His trusting face, his hope. Why do I feel like the bad person here?

This is the worst part of it, I think. Even worse than all the horrible nights of smelling his beer breath next to me in bed, worse than seeing him passed out at his computer, worse even than waking up to the sound of our smoke alarm going off because he's decided to cook late at night & is too drunk to remember to turn the stove off. It's worse because this is the truly heartbreaking part. I feel like I have the power, instead of him. And although power IS a good thing, I also actually feel guilty because I'm using my power to hurt him. I know that moving out will break his heart. But it's the only choice I have, and my heart has been breaking slowly for years.

Another Red Flag

The second red flag I had with my alc. happened before we lived together. We had a deep conversation in the car one night. I had told him something pretty important to me. The next night on the phone, I mentioned this tidbit. He said "What?? You didn't tell me that!" I was immediately shocked... "WHAT??" I asked, "of course I told you. Last night." "No, you did not!" and it went on like this for some time. He fought me HARD to prove that I had never told him anything of the sort. He had absolutely NO recollection of me telling him. At first I thought I had gone absolutely crazy. Was it possible I hadn't told him?? Why on earth didn't he remember?? It was so weird.

Now, of course, I know that he had been so drunk that he blacked out. No memory whatsoever. And I hadn't even known he was drunk.

As our relationship went on, I realized something very sad - almost all of the memories we were making together were mine and mine alone.

My iPod knows what's up

I had to smile this morning. My iPod seems to know exactly what's going on in my life right now. These songs played (at random) on my way to work:

Shake it Off - Mariah Carey
Big Jet Plane - Angus & Julia Stone
Are You Satisfied - Marina & The Diamonds
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

Even if you don't know the songs, you can tell by their titles that they are fairly appropriate.

free from the questions

When you're dating, or living with, or engaged to, or married to, an alcoholic, you have to cover for them a lot. Why aren't they at many family gatherings? I haven't seen him in a while. Why aren't you guys getting married yet? Where does all his money go? Are you going to start saving for a house? Why didn't he come out tonight? You haven't set a wedding date? Where is he? Why was he acting so strange? And you say "Oh, he's working" or "He was tired..." or "I'm not sure" or "I DON'T KNOW, OK????" or "When I know, I'll TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!" Because even the most innocent, well-intentioned question from a family member sets your heart racing and fills you with anger. But you're not angry at the person asking. You're angry at the alcoholic. At the time you won't fully understand this, and neither will the person asking. They'll just think you're kind of bitchy.

When we got engaged almost 2 years ago, the questions came fast & furious. "Do you have a date picked out?" was asked 10 minutes after we were engaged. I'm serious. People wanted to know if we were going to have an engagement party. My answers were terse and annoyed right from the beginning. Didn't these people know it was never going to happen?? What will they say when they find out our relationship has been a sham? What should I say when they tell me they really like him, that we make such a great couple? That they grew to love this man, this "new member of the family" who will never actually become a part of this family .. because I won't let him. 

One of the things I look most forward to when this is all over & done with is no more questions. No more questions. No more excuses. No more heart racing. No more defensiveness. And hopefully there will be no more questions. 

Because god knows I don't have the answers.

The emotion it was... electric
And the stars, they all aligned
I knew I had to make my decision
But I never made the time
No, I never made the time

breaking up is hard to do? No shit.

So last night I had ANOTHER talk with him... not really meaning to, but I was crying when I got home from work and he asked why. And I said I was sad because of him and that I am moving out. So he of course broke down in a major way and cried and begged and said all sorts of things, but I was v. strong & said "I HAVE to leave. HAVE to. For me" etc. And it was so terrible and it went on for like 2+ hrs and he said "There's nothing I can do or say, is there?" and I said no. But it was so hard and I have never cried so hard in my life. :( just sobbed for hours and hours. So finally I said "I can't talk about this anymore, let's just forget it please" and then I ate supper and we were ok.

So... I need help. I am going to need to move out when he's not there. For sure. I can't physically do it when he's there.. all I can do is sit and cry.

My eyes are sooooooo puffy today. ugh. I'm so exhausted.

Wait. I have to clarify that I go from being sick to my stomach with guilt and sadness to being overjoyed that when I'm free of this, I will be FREE. I get waves of pure happiness and hope and it's unbelievable. I find myself smiling and looking forward to the rest of my life. I just have to take this next terrible step. I wish I had one of those hot tub time machine thingys. (those are real, right??)

I think I'm leaving soon. No, wait. Know. I know I'm leaving soon.

there's no doubt in my mind

I'm at the point now that I feel sick to my stomach almost all the time. It's guilt, I guess... even though everyone (including myself) tells me I have nothing to be guilty about. I feel so bad for him. I don't want to have to take away the 1 thing he has. But is it my fault? No. I gave him everything. Chance after chance. My time.

I think it's butterflies in my stomach, but not the good kind today. I'm sorry I couldn't change him. But if I could've changed him, wouldn't I still basically still be here? A different blog title, but here all the same? Blogging and being sick and wanting out? Probably.

Nobody said it was easy
no one ever said it would be so hard. ~Coldplay

So frickin true. I wish I had a magic wand right about now.

lost & unsure

Since I last wrote I haven't done anything to further myself along. I think starting up this blog brought all of the fears and sadness right to the tip of my brain and overwhelmed me. I have lived in relative denial for 4+ years now.

And then, when I think I'm strong enough to leave, I get home from work and he comes to hug me and we smile and laugh and I love him.

All of the sleepless nights, wondering if he's loaded.
All of the fights that only I remember.
All of the mornings where everything seems to be magically forgiven and forgotten.
All of the broken promises, broken dreams and wasted days.

I now consider that the easy part.

The hard part comes next - leaving.

Leaving the man I love. Leaving the man I accepted a ring from. Never seeing him again?? How can I do that? Do I want to do that? ... sadly I think I need to do that.

i'm not mad... mostly i'm sad

Some days I'm so sure that I'm leaving him... and then the very next day (or hour) I'm overcome with sadness and don't want to leave. I'm comfortable there. I'm relatively happy. Well, I'm not UNhappy, per se. Some days I am. It's more being lonely. I am so lonely for companionship. So lonely for someone to kiss, do things we both like, etcetc. Lonely for a man to grab me and kiss me and make me feel pretty and sexy and desired.

There isn't a bone in my body that is mad at him. I'm not mad. I'm sad. I'm sad for him, that he can't stop - won't even attempt to stop drinking.

In August, in no uncertain terms, I told him he had TWO MONTHS to get treatment... at least make a move toward recovery. It's now TWO MONTHS later.... and nothin. I've offered him places to go, did hours of research for facilities in our city that isn't AA, I've offered to go with him to counseling/sessions, I've gone to an Al-Anon meeting... No one can say I didn't try. No one can say - not even him- that I didn't try to help.

let me go

For 2 weeks now, I’ve slowly begun getting rid of a bunch of my stuff (clothes, books, etc.) I want it to be easy to pack when/(if?) the time comes. The more crap I get rid of, the easier it’ll be to pack up & go. I’m going to work on that more tonight.

The last time I tried breaking up with him was a year and a half ago. I seriously can’t believe it’s been that long. Secretely I had feelings for someone else, which is what gave me the courage that day to bring it up. I said “I’m not happy with you. I want to break up. I am not happy.” And he cried. And begged. Stormed around crying. Begged more. etcetc. Made promises. Cried a bit more. Unfortunately, I’m not strong enough to look at someone I love and say “Too bad. See ya.” So I said I would stay for another week. And then things got comfortable again and time passed and now here I am. A year and a half later.

I brought home a bunch of boxes a couple of days ago. I will need them, and also I thought it would be a good icebreaker. “Hey - look at these boxes!! Aren’t they daunting!?” But they sat by the front door unmoved and unmentioned until last night. He moved them. When I got home from work I said “Did you move my boxes?” He said he did. I asked if he knew what they were there for. He stared at me sadly. I said “For moving out.” And his face was sad… but atleast he didn’t beg and cry. We went about our regular evening. Even had a nap together. Things are peaceful now. Calm before the storm? Oh, I’m sure of it. I just hope that this time, he lets me go. I need him to let me go

Red Flags are for Bulls

Hello. My name is _____ and I am living with an alcoholic. We’ve been dating for a few years and living together almost as long. I’m starting this blog because I’m at my lowest point yet .. and I don’t have anyone I can really, truly talk to. I’m trying this instead of counseling, I suppose. So I hope it works! ha.

There were red flags. I’d be lying if I said I had no idea going into this that there were some issues. A couple of times before I moved in, there was a quick shimmer of something in the back of my head… a tickle. I should have paid more attention to it. But I needed somewhere to live, it was all kind of exciting and hey - it was a nice apartment. Oh and I loved him.

The first red flag was when I had been over to visit him at his place (before I moved in.) He lived there with his younger sister. I brought over a 2.6 of vodka. A 2.6 is something that would probably last me 6-8 months. Or more. So I was investing my money in something I thought I would enjoy for the better part of a year. I had several drinks and left my bottle there when I went home that night.

2 or 3 days later, I was back there again. I was talking to him and looked over his shoulder towards his recycling pile. My EMPTY 2.6 of vodka sat near the top of the pile. I was too shocked to talk for a second. Finally I forced out, “My- my- oh my GOD. Is that MY vodka?????????????” He didn’t even have to look over at the pile. “Yes.” he replied… with only a half a cup of shame. “DID YOU DRINK IT ALL? Who had it???” He said “I did.” “ALONE?” “yeah.” I was quiet for a while. Finally I said, “Do you have a problem or something” (half joking.) His reply is something I still think about to this day. He said, without a pause, “Maybe.” If I had had half a brain… one ounce of reasoning, a bit of intelligence, I would have smiled, ended the night and never seen him again. Unfortunately, back in 2006 and the age of 27, I didn’t have any of those things. I kind of laughed off his response and turned back toward the TV.

Worse yet, it was Silent Sam vodka. That shit's expensive.