Tuesday, October 26, 2010

lost & unsure

Since I last wrote I haven't done anything to further myself along. I think starting up this blog brought all of the fears and sadness right to the tip of my brain and overwhelmed me. I have lived in relative denial for 4+ years now.

And then, when I think I'm strong enough to leave, I get home from work and he comes to hug me and we smile and laugh and I love him.

All of the sleepless nights, wondering if he's loaded.
All of the fights that only I remember.
All of the mornings where everything seems to be magically forgiven and forgotten.
All of the broken promises, broken dreams and wasted days.

I now consider that the easy part.

The hard part comes next - leaving.

Leaving the man I love. Leaving the man I accepted a ring from. Never seeing him again?? How can I do that? Do I want to do that? ... sadly I think I need to do that.

Friday, October 22, 2010

i'm not mad... mostly i'm sad

Some days I'm so sure that I'm leaving him... and then the very next day (or hour) I'm overcome with sadness and don't want to leave. I'm comfortable there. I'm relatively happy. Well, I'm not UNhappy, per se. Some days I am. It's more being lonely. I am so lonely for companionship. So lonely for someone to kiss, do things we both like, etcetc. Lonely for a man to grab me and kiss me and make me feel pretty and sexy and desired.

There isn't a bone in my body that is mad at him. I'm not mad. I'm sad. I'm sad for him, that he can't stop - won't even attempt to stop drinking.

In August, in no uncertain terms, I told him he had TWO MONTHS to get treatment... at least make a move toward recovery. It's now TWO MONTHS later.... and nothin. I've offered him places to go, did hours of research for facilities in our city that isn't AA, I've offered to go with him to counseling/sessions, I've gone to an Al-Anon meeting... No one can say I didn't try. No one can say - not even him- that I didn't try to help.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

let me go

For 2 weeks now, I’ve slowly begun getting rid of a bunch of my stuff (clothes, books, etc.) I want it to be easy to pack when/(if?) the time comes. The more crap I get rid of, the easier it’ll be to pack up & go. I’m going to work on that more tonight.

The last time I tried breaking up with him was a year and a half ago. I seriously can’t believe it’s been that long. Secretely I had feelings for someone else, which is what gave me the courage that day to bring it up. I said “I’m not happy with you. I want to break up. I am not happy.” And he cried. And begged. Stormed around crying. Begged more. etcetc. Made promises. Cried a bit more. Unfortunately, I’m not strong enough to look at someone I love and say “Too bad. See ya.” So I said I would stay for another week. And then things got comfortable again and time passed and now here I am. A year and a half later.

I brought home a bunch of boxes a couple of days ago. I will need them, and also I thought it would be a good icebreaker. “Hey - look at these boxes!! Aren’t they daunting!?” But they sat by the front door unmoved and unmentioned until last night. He moved them. When I got home from work I said “Did you move my boxes?” He said he did. I asked if he knew what they were there for. He stared at me sadly. I said “For moving out.” And his face was sad… but atleast he didn’t beg and cry. We went about our regular evening. Even had a nap together. Things are peaceful now. Calm before the storm? Oh, I’m sure of it. I just hope that this time, he lets me go. I need him to let me go

Red Flags are for Bulls

Hello. My name is _____ and I am living with an alcoholic. We’ve been dating for a few years and living together almost as long. I’m starting this blog because I’m at my lowest point yet .. and I don’t have anyone I can really, truly talk to. I’m trying this instead of counseling, I suppose. So I hope it works! ha.

There were red flags. I’d be lying if I said I had no idea going into this that there were some issues. A couple of times before I moved in, there was a quick shimmer of something in the back of my head… a tickle. I should have paid more attention to it. But I needed somewhere to live, it was all kind of exciting and hey - it was a nice apartment. Oh and I loved him.

The first red flag was when I had been over to visit him at his place (before I moved in.) He lived there with his younger sister. I brought over a 2.6 of vodka. A 2.6 is something that would probably last me 6-8 months. Or more. So I was investing my money in something I thought I would enjoy for the better part of a year. I had several drinks and left my bottle there when I went home that night.

2 or 3 days later, I was back there again. I was talking to him and looked over his shoulder towards his recycling pile. My EMPTY 2.6 of vodka sat near the top of the pile. I was too shocked to talk for a second. Finally I forced out, “My- my- oh my GOD. Is that MY vodka?????????????” He didn’t even have to look over at the pile. “Yes.” he replied… with only a half a cup of shame. “DID YOU DRINK IT ALL? Who had it???” He said “I did.” “ALONE?” “yeah.” I was quiet for a while. Finally I said, “Do you have a problem or something” (half joking.) His reply is something I still think about to this day. He said, without a pause, “Maybe.” If I had had half a brain… one ounce of reasoning, a bit of intelligence, I would have smiled, ended the night and never seen him again. Unfortunately, back in 2006 and the age of 27, I didn’t have any of those things. I kind of laughed off his response and turned back toward the TV.

Worse yet, it was Silent Sam vodka. That shit's expensive.