Since I last wrote I haven't done anything to further myself along. I think starting up this blog brought all of the fears and sadness right to the tip of my brain and overwhelmed me. I have lived in relative denial for 4+ years now.
And then, when I think I'm strong enough to leave, I get home from work and he comes to hug me and we smile and laugh and I love him.
All of the sleepless nights, wondering if he's loaded.
All of the fights that only I remember.
All of the mornings where everything seems to be magically forgiven and forgotten.
All of the broken promises, broken dreams and wasted days.
I now consider that the easy part.
The hard part comes next - leaving.
Leaving the man I love. Leaving the man I accepted a ring from. Never seeing him again?? How can I do that? Do I want to do that? ... sadly I think I need to do that.