Tuesday, October 26, 2010

lost & unsure

Since I last wrote I haven't done anything to further myself along. I think starting up this blog brought all of the fears and sadness right to the tip of my brain and overwhelmed me. I have lived in relative denial for 4+ years now.

And then, when I think I'm strong enough to leave, I get home from work and he comes to hug me and we smile and laugh and I love him.

All of the sleepless nights, wondering if he's loaded.
All of the fights that only I remember.
All of the mornings where everything seems to be magically forgiven and forgotten.
All of the broken promises, broken dreams and wasted days.

I now consider that the easy part.

The hard part comes next - leaving.

Leaving the man I love. Leaving the man I accepted a ring from. Never seeing him again?? How can I do that? Do I want to do that? ... sadly I think I need to do that.


  1. Dear Miss Julep,

    I read all your posts and can feel your struggle.

    You know this, your husband is not the man you married without this disease. Treatment is something he must want and it will be the hardest thing he has ever done. Without his committment nothing will change, not him or your life.

    The most important thing to know is that you cannot change him or fix him. The good thing is there is recovery but only if he wants it and only on his terms.

    In all of this, alcoholism of your husband or addiction with my son, you must take care of yourself. This is not being selfesh this is just they way of these diseases.

    Good Luck and Be Strong

  2. Hi, thank you so much for your comment!! You have no idea how much it means to me.

    You're right. And he doesn't want to change. Not REALLY, anyway.

    I think I'm leaving soon. Know. I know I'm leaving soon.