Contrary to my posts here, I am not gloomy. I am actually a good person to be around. I feel so mopey here! But, please understand, this is the only place I have to vent and share.
Today I had a realiztion - I think that living with an alcoholic (in whatever capacity) is actually paralyzing. I'm sure that once I'm Out I'll look back and say, "Why did I stay so long???? What was wrong with me?? Why didn't I leave earlier?" But I can say with certainty that I have felt paralyzed by his disease. Like I couldn't move, breathe, change. And unfortunately it took me 4 years to "come to" and take a deep breath of reality. I can move. I can breathe. I can change.
These days it's basically me keeping the waters calm around the house. I don't want to rock the boat too much.. I need it nice & still so I can jump out okay when the time is right. He's gone back to pretending everything is fine. Life as normal. Cooking me supper, hugging me, ignoring me. I'm trying to get things in order so that when the time comes, I can move out as quickly as possible.
I feel so guilty. Because since last week's blowup & me saying I'm moving out, I've stayed there... and I think a part of him (somehow) believes that I'm going to stay. I feel like I'm betraying him by leaving. As I pack behind his back and copy computer files in secret, the guilt eats me alive. His trusting face, his hope. Why do I feel like the bad person here?
This is the worst part of it, I think. Even worse than all the horrible nights of smelling his beer breath next to me in bed, worse than seeing him passed out at his computer, worse even than waking up to the sound of our smoke alarm going off because he's decided to cook late at night & is too drunk to remember to turn the stove off. It's worse because this is the truly heartbreaking part. I feel like I have the power, instead of him. And although power IS a good thing, I also actually feel guilty because I'm using my power to hurt him. I know that moving out will break his heart. But it's the only choice I have, and my heart has been breaking slowly for years.