Thursday, November 4, 2010

free from the questions

When you're dating, or living with, or engaged to, or married to, an alcoholic, you have to cover for them a lot. Why aren't they at many family gatherings? I haven't seen him in a while. Why aren't you guys getting married yet? Where does all his money go? Are you going to start saving for a house? Why didn't he come out tonight? You haven't set a wedding date? Where is he? Why was he acting so strange? And you say "Oh, he's working" or "He was tired..." or "I'm not sure" or "I DON'T KNOW, OK????" or "When I know, I'll TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!" Because even the most innocent, well-intentioned question from a family member sets your heart racing and fills you with anger. But you're not angry at the person asking. You're angry at the alcoholic. At the time you won't fully understand this, and neither will the person asking. They'll just think you're kind of bitchy.

When we got engaged almost 2 years ago, the questions came fast & furious. "Do you have a date picked out?" was asked 10 minutes after we were engaged. I'm serious. People wanted to know if we were going to have an engagement party. My answers were terse and annoyed right from the beginning. Didn't these people know it was never going to happen?? What will they say when they find out our relationship has been a sham? What should I say when they tell me they really like him, that we make such a great couple? That they grew to love this man, this "new member of the family" who will never actually become a part of this family .. because I won't let him. 

One of the things I look most forward to when this is all over & done with is no more questions. No more questions. No more excuses. No more heart racing. No more defensiveness. And hopefully there will be no more questions. 

Because god knows I don't have the answers.

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