A lot has happened in the 2.5 weeks since I last posted.
I moved out on November 13. It was an agonizing decision, even though there was no decision to be made. He went out of town on Friday night and I knew I wouldn't get a better chance. I aked all my friends if they could come and help me the next day. He was due to come back on Sunday morning. So Saturday morning, I woke up early and started packing & phoning my friends to confirm that they were coming to help me.
The move itself (and the packing - I hadn't packed much at all) was an exhausting all-day event. Luckily, I had 3 fantastic friends help me. And my Dad. The hardest part was probably the 2 hours of packing I did before anyone else got there. I had a couple of good cries and one big breakdown. All I could think was "I can't do this. I can't do this, I don't WANT to move. I don't want to do this." and I slumped on the wall and cried my eyes out. That was the lowest of the low. Then my friends started arriving and distracting me (with laughs) from the daunting task at hand. They were a huge help and I owe them a lot. I literally couldn't have done it without them.
I had begun talking to another guy at this point. Hanging out, going for drinks, etc. He was an immense help, too. A perfect distraction. He gave me attention, phoned me, gave me something to think about and something to look forward to. So the night I moved out of ex's, I went out with the new guy. And it was fabulous. I had a great time. Like I said, a perfect distraction.
The first time I was alone after moving out was at about 3am that next morning. It was a jolt. I had really done it. I was free.
The feelings I had the next day were strange. I missed him. I missed him a lot. I felt so, so guilty. Sick to my stomach. It was a bad, uneasy feeling. But seeing as how I'd spent 4 years with him, being around him every day, it was a natural reaction to have. I tried to keep busy.
I had messaged my ex to let him know that I had moved out. The last thing I wanted was for him to come home to a 1/2 empty house and find out that way. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. He didn't get my message and came home to find the house ransacked. I feel very, very bad about that. If I could change anything about all this, it would be that. He seems to be taking it ok. Better than I thought he would. We've only talked via email so far.. but he seems ok and has been very nice to me. He said he wants closure & I have to go over there to drop off my keys and pick up some things I forgot behind. I am dreading that for sure.
The first couple of weeks, I felt such relief. I knew I would. And it was like 200 pounds were lifted off my broken shoulders. And I still feel like that, I'm just also anxious to get all of the loose ends tied up. Then I think I will feel REAL relief. 100%. I am hopefully moving into my own apartment in the next week. I've never lived alone. I'm really looking forward to it. But I need to buy a bunch of furniture, too. So I'll have to borrow money from my parents, unfortunately.
So that's where I am right now. Single. Living with my parents. In the middle of some big, big changes. Relieved. And surprised that I did it. Finally.